Friday, January 23, 2009

Visit with my Grandparents

On Thursday I had a visit with my Grandparents. I haven't had a chance to really sit down and discuss the adoption with them. They knew that it was an option we were considering for quite some time so I know they were not shocked, but I really wanted to have a chance to explain everything and get their opinions and answer any questions.

Our family is not new to the whole adoption thing. My grandmother's older sister, Aunt D could not have children. I have no idea why. This was back in the 40's and 50's and testing was very limited I am sure. All I know is that she and Uncle B really wanted a baby. So Uncle B went and found one. A young girl who was pregnant and looking to place the baby for adoption. It was a private adoption and as was the way for most adoptions back then, it was kept secretive and no one talked about it.

My cousin F found out when he was 13 years old. They felt it was time to tell him. Let's just say that the conversation did not go so well. He had a bit of a melt down and I am honestly not sure that his relationship with his parents was the same after that. Apparently my Grandparents saw it coming and had tried to convince them to be honest with him about it from an early age.

This was the first bit of advice they gave me when I talked about adoption several years ago. They brought it up again today and I assured them that no matter the type of adoption we end up in (we are looking for semi, but will accept closed. Not really sure we want to go the open route), our child will know from day one that they were adopted.

The rest of the conversation was just about what we were looking for in a baby (sounds like buying a car huh?) and how long we might have to wait and what we had to do. They were so supportive, not that that I expected anything less from them. I am very close to my Grandparents and I could have sat there and told them I was planning on catching a feral cat and raising it as our child and they would have volunteered to baby sit.

They are so excited to have great grandchildren and I am sad when I think about how much less time our child will have to know them now that this process has taken us so long.

It seems so unfair that this is so hard for us. We are good people. We are financially responsible and are honest and hardworking and so ready to be parents.

I sometimes find myself wondering what the hell we did for God to keep this from us. Then I look around and see that obviously God is not handing out children based on a merit system. If that was the case then 13 year olds and crack heads wouldn't be popping them out faster than the WIC office can sign them up. But still, in the back of my mind, I wonder why. Is this some huge lesson? Is it so that we will appreciate our child and the experience of being parents more? Because, honestly,it's been 9 years. I think we get the point now.


Anonymous said...

" I could have sat there and told them I was planning on catching a feral cat and raising it as our child and they would have volunteered to baby sit"

That made me laugh! They sound great. I was nervous about how to talk to our grandparents, too, because of how adoption used to be so different. I was particularly nervous about how my grandmother would react to Lucy being biracial because she is a "polite racist" if that makes any sense. I'm glad your talk with your grandparents was drama-free.

About your last paragraph, I firmly believe that you just can't know the answer to this until you are a parent. Then you'll look at that baby, whoever he or she is, and it will all make perfect sense. Until then, I would suggest you not even try to figure it out because it will just make you angry. At least that is my experience and what I've observed in others. It just plain sucks to be in the position you're in right now and there is no way to reason it out and understand it and make it feel better. But here is something that made me feel a tiny bit better when I was in your position, because it gives you permission to not be at peace with where you are right now: "Being young is hard. Being old is hard. Being unemployed is hard. Working is hard. Being single is hard. Being married is hard. Being infertile is hard. Being a parent is hard. Being a cynic is hard. Having faith is hard." (((Hugs)))

Third times a charm said...

Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one having a hard time and that I will have a different hard time after the baby. I think sometimes it is so easy to look at your current situation and think everything will be perfect if you can just get past the problem you have now. It's a good reminder and really does help. Thanks again.