Progress

The new OB/GYN is amazing. She is very easy to talk to and wants to take an aggressive approach to getting me pregnant and keeping me that way.

I went and had blood work drawn today for 22 different tests. I almost needed a transfusion after they were done. This blood work was timed to check assorted hormone levels. I can't wait to see if my self diagnosis of low progesterone is right.

Now we wait for the results and for my many other Doctors (as well as the Husband's Urologist) to send over our records for her to review.

She has already told me that barring a freakish result on one of my tests or something in my records that is way off what I told her, that I will be starting Clomid and another injection next month. She sent me home with a folder with info about the treatments. The highlight of the injection is getting to jab a needle completely into my stomach on a daily basis. As much as I hate needles, I am actually excited about the prospect of doing it if it means we can end up with a healthy child in the end. I would do it every day for the next 18 years if I had to.

Had a huge convo with my Grandmother today. I ended up in tears telling them how I feel that I have let them and my parents, particularly my Mom, down by not having a baby yet. She told me that they (my Grandaddy and her) were not sure we were still even trying and that they had accepted that we may not want one.

She also said that my Mom had told her that she still really wants grandchildren but understands that neither my SIL or I may be able to provide that and she has come to terms with that. We also discussed adoption and I feel a lot more comfortable that an adopted child would be treated the same as a child actually born to me. Not that I thought my family would reject an adopted baby, but I had no idea how my Grandparents would feel. I knew they would love the child because that is just how they are, but I worried that they would somehow feel less attached to him or her. I guess I should have known better since my cousin (the son of my Grandmother's older sister. He is closer in age to my mother than to me because my Grandma is the baby of the family) is adopted and he was treated the same as any other Niece or Nephew in the family.

Mostly they just want the Husband and I to be happy and have the family that we want.

I just want to give them a great grandchild while they are still able to enjoy him or her (or both).

Speaking of both, I am secretly happy about the increased chance of multiples that the Clomid will bring. I will be ecstatic to have one healthy baby, but the chance to have two would be a wonderful gift.

I guess we get to see how the deductibles works on our new insurance. I get to pay 10% of every blood test known to man. Can't wait to see how much that works out to be. Luckily my employer reimburses us for the first $2,000.00.

More updates as they happen.

Long Time No Blog

We are officially in the new house. We have been for a couple of weeks, but we are no where near settled. We still dig around in boxes on a daily basis, searching for something we need but have not unpacked yet. The garage is a maze of cardboard boxes and plastic totes, with a path to the door and smaller, sub-paths that lead to major box formations.

New furniture has mostly been purchased and almost everything has at least been decided on. Christmas preparations have taken over any spare time that we would normally devote to house stuff. I am really looking forward to the new year when we can take down the holiday decorations and get started on painting and getting art on the walls.

Last month's cycle was a mess. I started spotting on the day I O'ed (cycle day 18). This cycle was the first cycle that I had taken the B6 from day 1 (started on day 5 the previous cycle), and I was really hoping it had something to do with that, so I immediately stopped the B6, but the spotting continued. After a week I was convinced that I was just to have a really short cycle and cycle day 1 was coming any day, but I managed to have a 30 day cycle with spotting every day until the real deal showed up.

I had another small incident of spotting on cycle day 18 again this month, but this was a one time occurrence and that is not unusual for me. I had an appointment with my new OB/GYN on cycle day 20, and as of that time I had not O'ed for the month. She did not feel that it was necessary for me to continue charting for reasons I will explain in my next post, so I haven't temped any more since the appointment and don't know if I ever did O or not.

More on the new Doctor and our next steps in my next installment.

Not much to report

We are approaching the O, but it is probably still a few days away. Probably right around the time we close on our house this coming Friday. The stress of that has kept my mind off of the stress of our baby making endeavours.

We got the results back from biopsy of "the thing" they removed from the Husband. It is benign like they thought. He is now healed up nicely and has an impressive scar to remember the whole ordeal. We discussed it the other night and though he says he was not expecting much pain, he was really happy with the fact that he had virtually no pain, even without the meds. The worst part for him was the epic vomiting the day of the surgery, most likely due to the anesthesia, and the bit of chafing he experienced right before it was completely healed. My worst part was the epic worry, but that is pretty standard for me.

For my part, I have been trying to resolve my pathetic luteal phase (9 days on average, with a record low of 7 and best of 12) with a daily dose of 100mg of vitamin B-6. I started this on day 5 of my last cycle and it had the effect of moving my already late O day to day 19 from day 17. I was ready to ditch it until it proved itself somewhat worthy by giving me a 10 day luteal phase.

We are giving it one more shot this month to get me to "O" sooner or we are tossing it aside for Clomid. Truthfully, there were only two reasons it got a second chance this month. One was the fact that it did not get a fair shot last month since I didn't start taking it until day 5. Not nearly enough time for it to straighten things out, but this month we are already on day 17 with no confirmed "O". By looking at my chart it might have happened on day 15, but Fertility Friend is not ready to call it and I am not convinced yet. The second reason was that our insurance switched on Nov 1st (cycle day 7) and I need to find a doctor who will at least pretend to give a damn and hopefully has an in-house lab as we now have deductibles.

I might be breaking out the old ovulation detector next month. Might as well get my money's worth from the thing.

That wasn't so bad

We are back from the surgery and it went well.

I have to admit I was a little freaked out when they let me back to see him before the surgery. I am not used to seeing him sick or vulnerable, so the sight of him lying on the hospital bed with IVs and monitors, wearing the gown, the super cool hairnet and booties shocked me a bit.

He was getting impatient because the Dr. was 45 minutes late, but once they gave him the Versed he was a happy camper. So happy he asked for a couple of hits to-go and was trying to score some for me.

We were told the procedure would last 45 minutes, so when the Dr. called my name after only 20 I had a momentary internal freak out. Turns out it is fatty deposits, possibly a fatty tumor. I see many an inside joke about this in the future. Of course "the thing" will be sent to be tested, but he was confident that it is benign.

The Husband was a little nauseous upon waking, but they popped something in his IV and put a cool, damp cloth on his head. He was feeling well enough to eat ice, sip water and eat a few saltines and then we were allowed to leave. He is currently in no pain. He is actually playing Pac-Man as I type and has already said he wants to go out to a few stores this evening for stuff for the new house. I picked up his pain pills just in case, but he may not even need them.

Thanks for all the thoughts and prayers. They really helped. He goes back to the Urologist next Monday for a follow up and they will discuss the semen analysis results then.

Update on the Husband

The Husband went back to the urologist and had a nice convo with him regarding "the thing". This appointment was much better than the last. The Dr. was not so rushed and while he still could not give the Husband much in the way of what he thought it might be, he was still very reassuring that it was probably nothing serious.

He also assured the Husband that it was no where near any essential baby-making areas and was at no risk of damaging anything important. Possibly freaked out by the Husband's many questions regarding the fertility damage potential, he ordered a semen analysis for him for before and after the procedure. I guess he wants to cover his butt. That is fine with us since the Husband has not had one in 6 years and since he ordered it as part of the treatment for "the thing" it is covered under our insurance.

The Husband did the first test the other day and surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. He claims he is not worried, but I am a bit. I know they will send it off for testing, but I am hoping the Dr. will tell us what he visually diagnoses it as after the procedure tomorrow. It will be very comforting to hear benign cyst, which is what we are hoping it is.

If it's not one thing it's another

Well, the Husband went to his Dr's appointment and while he was there, he brought up the strange lumpy thing that comes in goes in his testicle area. It has worried me for years, but he had thoroughly researched it on the Internet and self diagnosed it as nothing to be concerned about. I was still a bit concerned, but the worry factor hit a high when I was reading a blog from a male infertility sufferer who had the condition that the Husband believes he has and it has been a major factor in their failure to conceive.

The cute female Dr. felt the area (the Husband was less than thrilled that I had selected an attractive female as our primary care physician) and ordered an ultrasound to get a better look. The Husband did not bother to tell me that she also called a few days after the ultrasound to say that though she did not feel anything in her exam, the test showed a mass and she referred him to an urologist. He finally told me after his appointment with the Urologist on Thursday. And what an appointment it was.

He was finally seen an hour after his scheduled appointment time. The Dr. made a quick exam of the area and immediately recommended surgery to remove the mass. This caught the Husband by surprise as there was no discussion of what it could be, just a quick decision to cut into his sack and yank it out. When the Husband tried to discuss what the mass might be he was told that it could be almost anything and it was probably nothing to worry about (easy to say when it's not your testicles) because it is an unlikely location for any cancer. When the Husband pressed him for a bit more info before being sliced open, the obviously rushed Dr. was very nonchalant, saying again that it was probably nothing to worry about but it wouldn't hurt to remove it just because.

The husband disagrees about the not hurting part. He is more than willing to have the procedure (out patient, pretty minor), but would like to spend at least a few minutes discussing the issue. They apparently see things a bit differently and when he called back on Friday to request an appointment to speak with the Dr. he was told they had already scheduled his surgery for October 23rd. Wow! He has an appointment for Monday (they are really good about seeing you quickly), but this appointment is only necessary because he spent a grand total of 5 minutes with the Doctor on his first visit and the Doctor was obviously not prepared because one of the things he told the Husband was that he would like for him to get an ultrasound before the surgery. The Husband, who was at this point stunned to the point of not knowing what to say, told him that he had just had an ultrasound and that was why he was referred here. A quick check in the computer proved him right, but instead of taking the 20 seconds to look over the results, he told him he would try to look at them later. Unbelievable.

When I was informed of this visit, I immediately told the Husband that he really needed to locate another Urologist and get a second opinion. I would prefer this man not come near my husband with a scalpel, but the Husband is willing to give him a second chance to sit down and discuss the risks and such.

According to the Husband's research, the mass (which shall now be referred to as the "thing" since I really don't like the word "mass") is probably one of two things. It is not actually attached to the testicles, it just shares the general area with them. It does not cause pain and it fluctuates in size. When a light is shined behind it (yes, this is a legitimate diagnostic tool according to the info the Husband has found) it shines through the "thing" which means that it is fluid and not solid. It is probably either an enlarged vein (think varicose vein) or a blocked sperm duct. According to the research, it is usually not removed unless it causes pain or is upsetting enough to the patient to warrant it's removal for peace of mind. The removal can also decrease fertility, so that is a major consideration for us.

On one hand we don't want to take any risks that this could stand a very slight chance of being something that needs to be removed, but we also don't want to do any more damage to our fertility. I would really like to be at this appointment, but apparently this Doctor is not really big on spouse participation judging by a scene the Husband witnessed while waiting for his turn.

We should have more answers by Monday, but who knows at this point. If he does need the surgery, we would really like to have it done before the end of October since my insurance changes on November 1st and we will then have a deductible.

Green Light

Today I got off work at 12 due to a switch with a co-worker. I decided to use my free time to run errands. One of those errands was dropping by the Dr's office to get my blood work results. My iron levels are normal. I have achieved normal iron levels. This is great news. We can try this month. Nothing is holding us back for the first time in years. It's like a tiny miracle. To celebrate this miracle, my body has decided to have my period visit me 2 days early for the last 2 cycles. Cause O'ing on day 17/18 wouldn't screw me enough, now I have 26 day cycles.

To be fair to my body (who has been nothing but hateful to me), this has happened before. The most recent time was during our move last October. I had a really long cycle and then a couple of shorter than normal cycles. I think the stress of an out-of-state move and job change could have been the cause. The current stress is a month of night shift thrown into my usual day shift life. The switch to nights and then back to days happened right at the start of both offending cycles so I will assume this is the problem and not stress.

Mission Accomplished

Whoo Hoo! I am officially back on the day shift. I have worked night shifts on a rotating basis for 7 years now, but after almost a year on days this night stuff has kicked my butt. I think it is because since I knew it was temporary and not my permanent lifestyle I was pretty good about keeping my schedule on my days off. This meant that I was not miserably tired at work, but it also meant almost no socialization with anyone outside of work because while I am all wound up and awake at 3 am, not many other people are. When I was on nights before it was too tempting to screw up my sleep schedule in an effort to actually be out in the daylight hours. Now I have no excuse not to get that blood work done to check my iron levels. No excuse except that the nurse who has to order the blood work refuses to return my calls. This is the last hurdle in the way of actively trying to get pregnant.

Yesterday and today are my days off and I knew that I had to get that blood work situation straightened out or I would not have another chance until next Monday. Yesterday the Husband asked me to call our Dr's office and schedule an appointment for him to have his tummy looked at. For the last 5 or 6 years he has suffered from occasional bouts of what has been diagnosed, after much testing, as Diverticulitis. He has it mostly under control but has recently had another flare up and just wants to discuss medications with our new Dr. When I called to make his appointment, I mentioned to the receptionist that I had been trying for about 3 weeks to get the lab paperwork needed to have my iron levels checked again. She assured me should would personally deliver the message and someone would call me back. No one did. Surprise. So today I decided that while I was our running errands, I would just drop by to pick up the paperwork the Husband needed to fill out and stand in front of the desk until someone decided to give me my lab papers. I was all pumped up for a confrontation, but instead I was walking back to my car with the forms in hand within 2 minutes of walking in the door.

I headed straight over to the lab and spent 30 minutes in an empty waiting room because despite the fact that I signed in, I was so quiet they forgot I was there. I will have to remember to turn the magazine pages louder next time.

Lucky for me my favorite Lab Tech was on duty. This woman is amazing with a needle. I point out my best arm and she gets it on the first stick every time and I barely feel a thing. This woman has skills.

She is also about 8 months pregnant and due in the beginning of November. She has the cutest baby bump and was so excited when she told me it was her first and is going to be a girl. And I was truly happy for her. It hit me in the car, I was really happy for her. There was no jealousy or self pity, just joy that she is about to have a baby that she obviously really wants. Maybe this is a sign.

I should have the lab results back in a few days. No doubt I will have to use my lunch break to go to the Dr's office to get my results. I really hope my iron levels are in normal range. Especially since we kind of tried this month. I know we should have waited, but it just kind of happened. I am pretty sure the timing was much too late, but I didn't chart this month (just needed a break) so I can't say for sure.

Feeling Sorry For Myself. What a way to start a blog

So I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and then feeling guilty because so many of you are still dealing with the newness of your loss, but I am just so tired of this whole process.
I lost my first 8 years ago now. We have been trying or at least trying to try ever since.
It took 18 months to get pregnant again and I lost that one too. My wonderful OB/GYN referred me to a RE who ran every test in the book and found no definite answer. A couple of maybes, but no cure.
Then he tweaked my thyroid and sent me into hyperthyroidism and I spent months dealing with that. I remember talking to the Dr. that did my radioiodine therapy right before they dosed me and being upset that he said I would need to wait 3 months before trying again to make sure the radiation was out of my system before the baby started to develop a thyroid. How naive I was to think that I had overcome the obstacle and would get to jump right back into the TTC world.
Next came a solid year of trying to get my now underactive thyroid to a normal level and keeping it there for more than a month.
Then it was back to the RE for more "lets wait and monitor your cycle some more". For what. Till my eggs shrivel from age and turn to dust and you can provide a definite reason.
Gave up on the RE and decided with the help of my OB/GYN to go about it on our own, but then came a job switch and we just need to wait a few months to get settled in before springing a pregnancy on them (Ha!).
Then came the abnormal pap. Than another followed by a leep procedure. Then a move to another state and another new job and waiting for a clear pap. Got the clear pap but now I am friggin Anemic. Will it never friggin end?
Here we stand at 2 good Paps in a year and I can't get the damn Dr's office to call me back so I can go to the lab and have my iron checked again. I will be going down to their office tomorrow to stand and stare at them through the glass window till the give me the paper.
The real kicker though is today was open enrollment for Insurance at work. They have totally switched everything and we are now offered AFLAC. I was sitting with the Rep trying to figure out the best plans for us when it dawned on me that I have done this same thing every year since 1999. Every year I agonize over getting the perfect supplemental insurance plan for when I get pregnant and every year it goes to waste, never touched for a pregnancy.
Of course I told the Rep that we were trying to get Preg and told her that I have had previous problems and she was so friggin sweet and kept saying things to make me feel better and hopeful and it did make me feel better (long story about her Pastors wife who also suffered 2 losses and now has 2 beautiful daughters) but it also made me cry. Nothing better than sitting in the conference room at City Hall with your coworkers trying to figure out a dental plan and bawling (I was quite, but if anyone looked they were gonna notice).
Thanks to anyone who made it through this novel and I hope that I was able to help with your insomnia.