Friday, September 21, 2007

Feeling Sorry For Myself. What a way to start a blog

So I am just sitting here feeling sorry for myself and then feeling guilty because so many of you are still dealing with the newness of your loss, but I am just so tired of this whole process.
I lost my first 8 years ago now. We have been trying or at least trying to try ever since.
It took 18 months to get pregnant again and I lost that one too. My wonderful OB/GYN referred me to a RE who ran every test in the book and found no definite answer. A couple of maybes, but no cure.
Then he tweaked my thyroid and sent me into hyperthyroidism and I spent months dealing with that. I remember talking to the Dr. that did my radioiodine therapy right before they dosed me and being upset that he said I would need to wait 3 months before trying again to make sure the radiation was out of my system before the baby started to develop a thyroid. How naive I was to think that I had overcome the obstacle and would get to jump right back into the TTC world.
Next came a solid year of trying to get my now underactive thyroid to a normal level and keeping it there for more than a month.
Then it was back to the RE for more "lets wait and monitor your cycle some more". For what. Till my eggs shrivel from age and turn to dust and you can provide a definite reason.
Gave up on the RE and decided with the help of my OB/GYN to go about it on our own, but then came a job switch and we just need to wait a few months to get settled in before springing a pregnancy on them (Ha!).
Then came the abnormal pap. Than another followed by a leep procedure. Then a move to another state and another new job and waiting for a clear pap. Got the clear pap but now I am friggin Anemic. Will it never friggin end?
Here we stand at 2 good Paps in a year and I can't get the damn Dr's office to call me back so I can go to the lab and have my iron checked again. I will be going down to their office tomorrow to stand and stare at them through the glass window till the give me the paper.
The real kicker though is today was open enrollment for Insurance at work. They have totally switched everything and we are now offered AFLAC. I was sitting with the Rep trying to figure out the best plans for us when it dawned on me that I have done this same thing every year since 1999. Every year I agonize over getting the perfect supplemental insurance plan for when I get pregnant and every year it goes to waste, never touched for a pregnancy.
Of course I told the Rep that we were trying to get Preg and told her that I have had previous problems and she was so friggin sweet and kept saying things to make me feel better and hopeful and it did make me feel better (long story about her Pastors wife who also suffered 2 losses and now has 2 beautiful daughters) but it also made me cry. Nothing better than sitting in the conference room at City Hall with your coworkers trying to figure out a dental plan and bawling (I was quite, but if anyone looked they were gonna notice).
Thanks to anyone who made it through this novel and I hope that I was able to help with your insomnia.

1 comment:

Future Mommy said...

I'm so proud of you for getting your blog started. We'll have to chat sometime about hyperthyroidism - I have Grave's Disease, and I have refused radioactive iodine treatment consistently...much to my doctor's chagrin. I also understand how life can just get away from you sometimes...believe me...if there's been one constant in my life, it's been inconsistency! :-) Hang in there...I've found that having a blog is a great outlet, and the women at TTCAM are awesome...we'll all support each other and muddle our way through! :-)